Guiltily in love
by Bishounenchaser
Summary: rated for bits of language:: Shizuru's thoughts and feelings on herself and someone close to her. Shizuru,?. No OC's


Hello guys! Well I wrote another odd pairing involving Shizuru but after seeing some images from the end of the dark tournament I couldn't resist and this  song fit so well. If anything seems a bit OOC I'm sorry though I don't think they are. Well anyway my 'Give me any pairing to make a one-shot out of' offer is still up *blinks* though I think I heard they weren't allowed, gomen if they are *sweatdrop* Okay I'll stop talking now and get the disclaimer over with you guys can read ^__^

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho that belongs to the great Yoshihiro Togashi (Who we should all worship because he made Kurama, Hiei, Jin, Yusuke and all sorts of other Bishounen in the show). I also do not own the song 'Run to you' Which belongs and is sung by Whitney Houston. BTW lyrics are in bold

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I' am the calm, collected, always in control one. Always the one who doesn't need to be helped, can take are of her self. 

What a bunch of bull shit

**I know that when you look at me   
There's so much that you just don't see**

I know why everyone assumes I don't need anyone; I act as if I don't. No has ever held me, well actually that's a lie 

_HE had…._

**But if you would only take the time   
I know in my heart you'd find**

But I doubt even he can see so deep in my heart, my true nature. 

_I don't want him to_

And this is because

_I don't want to appear weak_

But I find my self torn between to feelings, one to be left alone, and the other to be held

_To be loved_

**A girl who's scared sometimes   
Who isn't always strong**

If I recall correctly he's the only one to ever see me express an extreme emotion

_It was extreme pain_

As I watched the pain I loved burn, I couldn't do anything and I was furious with not only myself but with him

_But I was also grateful_

I had someone to cry to, someone to hold me in my time of need. I think this was when I started developing feelings for him

_Feelings of love already_

For a while I felt as if I was betraying Sakyo already having feelings for someone so soon after his death, but I accepted them.

_They couldn't be helped_

**Can't you see the hurt in me?   
I feel so all alone**

I want to be with him, to see his amber eyes staring into mine. To run my hands through his light chocolate color hair

_To have his arms wrapped around me_

I'm not acting my self I know, but this is me behind my cool exterior, my calm face

_My true façade_

I want to go to him now, be held and shielded from the harsh reality of life. But I don't know how he would react, would be reject me? Or worse

_Never respond_

**I wanna run to you (oooh)   
I wanna run to you (oooh)   
Won't you hold me in your arms   
And keep me safe from harm   
I wanna run to you (oooh)   
But if I come to you (oooh)   
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away**

I wonder sometimes no one can tell what going around in my head, but then again no one seems to notice

_Or want to_

The reason is as I mention before, I'm always in control of my emotions very much like Kurama is only I have to admit Kurama is a bit more expressive than I' am

_And that's saying something_

**Each day, each day I play the role   
Of someone always in control**

And to top it all off, Kazuma is never home. I go home and walk in the door to a cold empty apartment

_Selfish_

I'm selfish to want to keep my brother I know, despite the beatings I give him Kazuma is very dear to me since I have no other around since our parents are gone. I just don't like to be alone despite what people think; okay so I lied I do like to be alone

_Sometimes_

**But at night I come home and turn the key   
There's nobody there, no one cares for me**

Sometime I don't know why I bother to get up in the morning, to drag my ass out of bed and go on with life.

_For him_

Yes for him I do it, odd seeing as the first time I laid eyes on him he probably only went up to my waist. But he doesn't know, he doesn't know what goes on in my mind

_My heart_

Everything my life is based upon is because of him

_Only for him_

**What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams   
Without someone to share it with   
Tell me what does it mean?**

I feel so out of character, well on the inside at least on the outside I remain the same as I always am

_No one suspects a thing_

We have all gathered at Genkai's for a small get together nothing big, he's not here yet but I know he will, his work probably has him delayed. So I pretend it doesn't bother me and act natural talking with Keiko and Botan, occasionally Yukina when she's away from my idiot brother. 

_He's here_

He didn't make a big entranced just pop up out of nowhere near Yusuke and Kurama, Yusuke isn't still used to it and spited his drink in Kurama's face in surprise. Kurama looked disgusted and a flicker of gold passed through his eyes before he went to clean up probably. I turn back to Yusuke

_And him_

I feel lips quirk up a bit watching Yusuke grab him into a headlock while he tries to break it cursing and struggling against the stronger boys grip. After a few minutes of this Keiko finally steps in and slaps Yusuke making him drop the other boy, I chuckle, it never ceases to amaze me that she has so much control over someone who can kill 100 demons with finger. After he stands he starts walking towards me, this surprises me a bit consider he normally would just observe the rest for a while then converse with everyone else before coming to me.

"Shizuru"

His voice is soft as he came and leaned against the wall with me, I nodded showing I had acknowledged him. We were silent, me waiting for him to speak, him just watching the others

"How…….. Are you doing?"

This question caught me a bit of guard; he of all people should know how I'm feeling. What the hell does he expect I'm doing just two weeks ago I watched someone I loved burn in a fury of flames. I wanted to punch him so badly and would have 

_If I didn't care about him so much_

So I calmed, putting my cigarette to my lips and inhaling before answering allowing the white smoke to escape my lips and dance above of heads until disappearing into nothing

"I'm fine"

**I wanna run to you (oooh) **

**I wanna run to you (oooh) Won't you hold me in your arms **

**And keep me safe from harm I wanna run to you (oooh) **

**But if I come to you (oooh) Tell me, will you stay or will you run away**

"Will you come outside with me for a moment?"

I wonder why, there was no one watching us as everyone was off doing something else, but I nodded and moved out the door to the porch. The crisp night air felt good against my heated skin, he came up beside me

"Why are we outside?" I asked flicking my burnt out cigarette bud somewhere

He was silent; his head was titled towards the sky

_The stars_

His brows frowned

"Well actually I was going to say something, but now I don't really feel like it" he finally answered looking down at me smiling scratching the back of his head sheepishly, his eyes dancing with amusement

"You already got me out here, spit it out"

I want to know what you're thinking, for you to confide in me

_Like I wish I could do with you_

Our eye connected and I didn't want to look away, Enma I sound like a total sap it's actually embarrassing. A cold gust of wind blew over us and my hair flew in my face, I should cut it one of these days but as I raised a hand to put it back behind my ear he did it for me. My frown of irritation towards my hair melted away as he tucked it behind my ear but he hand never moved

"I don't know how to say this so…."

_His lips connected with mine_

**I need you here   
I need you here to wipe away my tears   
To kiss away my fears   
If you only knew how much... **

**  
**Tears ran down from the corner of my eyes to the wooden floor below us, I was trembling lightly but why this is what I wanted right? Yes but there was something other than love involved with my feelings right now****

_Guilt_

_Betrayal_

I felt guilty because I still have some feelings for Sakyo, I felt as if I was betraying Sakyo feeling returned.

_Sakyo_

Will you always plague my heart not allowing me to love? 

_No, I won't allow it_

He finally pulled back and looked at me with concern, his hand brushed against my cheek wiping tear before he looked angrily at something

"G…..gomen"

_The first time he ever apologized_

"That I love you"

My heart jumped into my heart making me feel like a baka school girl, but I grabbed his head and kissed him once more my finger tangling into his mane of silky hair. And just like that

_All my fears melted away_

We broke apart breathing heavily, his hands now rested on my waist and he looked at me questionably. I pulled back out of his hands and lit a cigarette rested in my right ear taking a deep breath allowing the smoke into my mouth and releasing it I smiled

"I love you too, Koenma" 

**I wanna run to you (oooh)   
I wanna run to you (oooh)   
Won't you hold me in your arms   
And keep me safe from harm   
I wanna run to you (oooh)   
But if I come to you (oooh)   
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away**

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Of course I'm wondering what you guys think, so review and maybe I'll try to write more like these


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